the lighter side

The best in comedy is often not found on TV, but rather in everyday conversations with friends that somehow spiral out of control. Collected here are the randomest of the random, saved for posterity.

Weather

• "Tornado's got the devil's heart and a dead soul. And until you see that, you ain't telling me nothin' about nothin'."
• "Tornado go down to the store for some blueberry pancakes, maybe some maple syrup..."
• "Those aren't raindrops. You're just a big aerosol particle."
• "Brazil has never had hurricanes and it is not having one now."
• "When we're done with you, you'll be spread along the ground like the coldy pool."
• "Look! It's overpowering the ground clutter!"
• "Wait until it gets into the ground clutter..."
• "It IS the ground clutter!"
• "I'm going to explode the Great Basin high and replace it with a whole bunch of Aleutian lows."

Meteorology

• "Equilibrium is like pornography. It's difficult to define, but you know it when you see it."
• "Are you a prospective student?"
• "I only vaguely remember something about a mysterious Q vector."
• "The brain cells that used to contain your personality were overwritten by the vorticity equation."
• "He's working under the faulty assumption that we learned something in thermodynamics."
• "Are you doing that barotropic thing again? What did we tell you about that..."
• "This? This is color."
• "It's not my fault I spilled that beer. Damn Earth's rotating too fast."
• "There doesn't have to be a body count for it to be an all-star sounding."
• "If you want to avoid other chasers, just go hide in the hail core."
• "Yeah, my final exam was pretty hard. Sorry about that."
• "If you do not know it, how will you know it?"
• "Warning: Do not inhale Exam 1 vapors. Exam 1 may impair your ability to smoke cigarettes and consume large quantities of alcohol."
• "Exam 2 is guaranteed to make your *** bigger! No exercises or pumps required!"
• "Work goes much faster with margarita!"
• "We would get elevator much faster if we threw freshmen out window."
• "Running into wall is not indicative of good work."
• "If you get two heads as a result of flipping one coin, you're obviously a meteorologist."
• "If you meteorologists didn't exist, I'd have to invent you. You're too much fun."
• "The answer is 3. But the meteorologists will say the answer is mostly 2 with scattered 1's and a chance of 0."
• "We busted on the cirrus chase because the supercell was in the way."
• "Professor ___ looked like he lost a battle against an electrical socket on Tuesday. By Thursday his hair had mostly recovered, but it still had a damn BWER in it!"
• "The accuracy of my 4-day forecast is a function of my wanting to leave."

Hockey

• "The girl of your dreams would never take you away from hockey. She would feed you one-timers on Lake Ontario until her arms fell off."
• "Tell Jeremy [Roenick] I can't hear him because I have my two Stanley Cup rings plugging my ears"
• "[Mathieu] Schneider? I hate that guy!"
• "I've seen better ice on the roads in Saskatchewan."
• "What I want for Christmas is a Mike Bossy doll. Wind it up and he scores 60 goals."
• "You missed the most exciting 10 minutes in the history of the building. One night I had a breakaway."
• "[Jaroslav] Modry is not allowed to touch the puck anymore."
• "A good coach has to be like a gardener. Some guys need weeding, some guys need watering, some need sunlight, and some just need a Weedwhacker."
• "I gave Gary [Bettman] a hockey puck once, and he spent the rest of the day trying to open it."
• "It was easy for the Commies to hide their subs. They just put their boats in the corner of the harbor, because everyone knows Swedes don't go in corners."
• "When we lose, we get letters from religious organizations. They say until you change the name of the Devils to the Angels, you'll keep on losing."
• "He who lives by the cheap shot dies by the cross-check."
• "We could use [Tina Turner] on our team. She'd improve our appearance and she works her butt off."
• "The fans love fighting. The players don't mind. The coaches like the fights. What's the big deal?"
• "Hockey is 60 minutes of action with no easy way of avoiding a good clobbering."
• "You know you've come a long way when you look at the out-of-town scoreboards and there are no scores."
• "Are Niinimaa, Nurminen, Numminen, Noronen, and Nieminen all the same person?"
• "I'm a Kings fan. I got injured just watching the game the other night"

Math

• "We are fearless, we take square roots of negative numbers!"
• "Dividing by zero is a cardinal sin in mathematics."
• "One day you will be released on an unsuspecting public."
• "So you can see how this Laplace Transform idea is great, but we want something that's good for making money."
• "C? Yes, C is a fine constant. However, I prefer... -λ!"
• "No! 1 is a boring function!"
• "Whoops! Can't go that far..."
• "I won't hold you responsible for this proof, because I don't want to have to grade 45 different versions of it."
• "I miss having DJ McC as my professor, but I don't miss that smart guy that sat in the front."
• "The man's movements can be explained by the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle."
• "How can a shaky old man inflict so much pain?"
• "I assume you're the kind of people who never go anywhere without a calculator."
• "You're enrolled? You can stay, then. That just means I'll have to kill one of the rest of you."
• "I'm doing you the courtesy - even though I know better - of treating you as mature adults."
• "When it comes to academic misconduct in my course, trespassers WILL be violated."
• "Math majors usually get put into other groups, because they have no subject matter of their own."
• "You! Stop talking! This isn't fun, it's statistics!"
• "If Roxy comes back, Roxy's getting an F. You should never do something so stupid as wear a shirt with your name on it on the first day of class."
• "Dr. (blank)? He's been dead 25 years and nobody's realized it yet."
• "I would insult Dr. (blank), but he'd kill me."
• "Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't."
• "This isn't right. It isn't even wrong!"
• "A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee to theorems."
• "How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He gives it to three Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke."
• "I didn't know it was impossible when I did it..."

More?

• "I have never been as strongly opposed to someone's existence before as I am about Paris Hilton."
• "You know something, buddy? You are a chump!"
• "I Garfunkled your mother!"
• "Mine?"
• "Never eat a green hot dog. Especially with the green ketchup."
• "In Texas, they measure distance by six-packs. You ask how far it is from here to there and they say, 'Oh, it's a one six-pack ride,' or 'It's a two-six-pack ride.'"
• "He wasn't tight with money, he was adjacent to it."
• "I learned a long time ago you take a lot more aggravation from a .300 hitter than you do a .200 hitter."
• "It's like ham and eggs. The chicken, he makes a contribution. But the pig, he makes a commitment."
• "Please don't make this a battle of wits. He's obviously unarmed."
• "I could sing better than that... with a trombone stuck up my nose."
• "In a scale analysis of history, your life drops out."
• "You could do a lot if you had infinite mass."
• "Oh, no. She's stuck in an infinite loop and he's a complete idiot. What are we going to do?"
• "King me, you rotten son of a b****. This time I'm gonna be ready for ya."
• "We didn't have any social science people. There were econ majors, but econ is an anti-social science."
• "I can tell an inorganic chemist from an organic chemist. The inorganic chemist is made of metal and walks stiffly."
• "This piece of software was made for social sciences people, because these people are particularly stupid."
• "You can't have fun in Kansas City, Kansas. Everything is illegal in Kansas City, Kansas."
• "I'm not sure what a Hot Pocket is. It's liquid, semi-solid, and a mixture of colloidal suspensions of unspeakable things."
• "Life insurance is basically betting that you're gonna die. If you win the bet, you die. But if you lose the bet, that means you're still alive... but that you lose your premium."
• "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. That is the difference between a dog and a man."
• "There's no point being grown up if you can't act childish sometimes."
• "College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the faculty played instead if the students, and even more interesting if the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the loss to humanity."
• "A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and then sends you a bill for it."
• "It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty."
• "Pro is to con as progress is to Congress."
• "In my egotistical opinion, most people's C programs should be indented about six feet downward and covered with dirt."
• "Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again."

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